As people, very often we don’t realize until it’s too late that we crave deep connections with the people around us. Creating deep connections is an essential element of the social experience of humanity, but it’s hard to get to that point without doing some work. Susan Moore is a leadership development coach, and the founder of FearlessLeading.com. She talks to Penny Zenker about how creating deep connections can be done by taking a more active approach to the way you live your life.
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Creating Deep Connections With Susan Moore
We’re going to talk to Susan Moore, a self-development coach who is committed to helping people to step out of autopilot. She’s running a new summit that is coming up on the 20th of January. Welcome to the show. This is such an important topic to help people to take back their time through stepping out of autopilot.
Thank you. I’m happy to be here.
Why did you pick that topic stepping out of autopilot? What drove you to want to do that?
I had been coaching for several years. I started working with an executive coaching company here in San Diego. I was fascinated with the work they were doing. The owner was coaching the CEOs of very large companies. They would ask us to also coach their C-level management. I get involved in that. I learned that even executive coaching turns into self-development. You didn’t want to label it that way quite so much, but it always becomes personal. How are we going through the world? How are we going through our day and interacting with people? Most of my clients ended up being in that place that I want some personal growth. I want some personal development. I need to get unstuck. I don’t like where I’m at. Maybe I got out of a divorce, done raising children or I want a career change. It seems to become a very popular theme.
It makes sense. We try to isolate parts of ourselves like, “This is me in business, this is me at home and this is me in my community.” The thing is we are a whole person and we bring all of that other stuff with us. When we want to get to the next level in any area of our life, it’s impacted by how we show up, what we’re thinking and what’s in the way.
Creating Deep Connections: Not jumping out of autopilot costs you being present in your own life.
We go through life with different compartments. I know I was doing that for a very long time. I’m a mom. I’ve got multiple jobs sometimes to make things happen and there’s not a lot of flow. When things are all compartmentalized and you’re shifting, it’s a lot more work.
It’s a lot more work and that’s what this show, to help people to work less and profit more. Take back our time in essence. Being in the flow definitely helps us to do that. How could getting out of autopilot help us to be more in the flow?
First of all, when you’re stepping out of autopilot, you are stepping back and recognizing that you’re in autopilot.
It’s not easy.
Sometimes it takes being very honest with ourselves, “Who am I being and how am I going through the world? How am I interacting?” Unfortunately, when we’re stuck, we’re very self-focused. We’re not focusing out. We’re like, “All of this is happening to me and this is my situation. I can’t change it.” It’s the thought of changing anything is too daunting because a lot of times, we’re not willing to give up what we have for something new, something different.
Do you have a tip on how to help people to recognize that they’re in autopilot and to get that clarity?
What I’m learning is that people being stuck can be very huge. We’ve been stuck for years. We’ve had something major happened in our life. We also get stuck in a day, a week, a rut and in that mode of your cycling. We want to step back and say, “How am I interacting with the world? Are things happening in the way I want them to be happening? Am I making an impact?” One of the big shifts comes when you suddenly can focus outward.
If in doubt, focus out.
One of the big shifts in the way you live your life comes when you can focus outward. Click To Tweet
I went to Thanksgiving with my family, my brothers, sisters, all their children who are in their twenties. You bring a bunch of twenty-year-olds to a party and things can get interesting. There are some parents of some of them and most of the people in this big room I knew and there were about 6 or 7 people. My point is I went to things as an agenda. I wanted to have a better relationship with my brother and I went into it thinking about all of this, how I wanted him to react to me, and how I wanted him to respond. I was going to ask him. It all fell flat. It didn’t work for me whatsoever. It wasn’t until I went, “Do I know everybody’s name in this room?” The fact that the pure question of asking that shifted the focus all outward instead of going, “I totally came in here with an agenda and I was thinking just about me.” Unfortunately, sometimes we do that when we’re stuck. It’s like, “I can’t believe that this is happening to me in life.” That moment of shifting out and thinking, “Who are these people? Have I even asked them about themselves?” All of a sudden, the energy completely changed. It was a three-day event over Thanksgiving. The energy changed for all of the relationships.
It’s interesting that you say that because there’s a fine line between the goal that you wanted a better relationship with your brother and having an agenda with a set of expectations. You’re right, that can go flat on our faces when we have too many expectations for things. That’s a great thought about it. Focusing on everyone else helped you to be more relaxed. When you put all those expectations, it’s stressful for both of you.
It opened it up to allow whatever to happen to pigeonhole it with my expectations.
The key is sometimes to open it up and to shift the energy and then it will work out the way that it’s supposed to because you’re in the right energy. One of the things I talk about a lot is energy is everything. When you do have the right energy, amazing things can happen. Look at teamwork and when you have the right energy, the team working together and the right trust. Teams can create amazing things. When that energy is not there, it makes everything stop. Tell me more about your thoughts around autopilot in this summit that’s coming up.
In the summit, we’re going to be talking to over 21 experts. They have either written a book about getting unstuck, about taking big leaps, about conquering fear, conquering self-doubt. All of these can be pieces of getting out of autopilot. Sometimes we’re talking about the mechanics of it, and sometimes we’re talking about just the being of it. It’s a difference of the doing and the being. Sometimes we need both. There’s enough variety here of ways to go about it that some people will say, “I’m going to try this and then I’m going to try that.” Maybe they find that one works for them better than the other, but the idea is to give people tools to get moving and make the changes that they’re looking to make in their life.
I’m excited that I’ll be a part of the agenda there and talking about my stories. That’s powerful because we like to see things. I might resonate with somebody where someone else might resonate more because we all have different personality types, different ways of looking at things, different things that we know work for us. That’s powerful to have 21 different people talking around tips, tricks and strategies on how to get out and approach this idea of autopilot.
I’m grateful for the generosity that we’ve seen for this summit. It’s been wonderful and it’s important.
What do you think it’s costing us to be stuck in this place of autopilot from time to time, whether it’s a day, a week, a month or a year?
Creating Deep Connections: We are starting to crave and realize that we’re missing those deep connections.
It’s costing us being present in our lives. Not being present in our lives is not living. It’s going by emotions, which is what autopilot is. It’s not being consciously aware of what we’re doing, what we’re feeling, going through the motions. What happened when I decided to do the summit, I woke up and I said, “Is this it? Are you done trying to be what you were meant to be?” In fact, one of my speakers had said this to me and it was very powerful, at least for me. He said, “What if on the day I die I have to come face to face with the person that I could have become?” That put chills down my arms. I was like, “I’m not done trying. I’m going to do something big.” That was what the inspiration for the summit was, I want to give to others and seeing how we can help.
It takes your level of joy. When you talk about presence, it goes to a greater level. When we are focused out, it heightens all of those things. We are more connected to ourselves and to others as a result of focusing out and making ourselves more present, more open. It opens up all those things.
Even as we talk about connection, there are so many levels of becoming more deeply connected to people. Sometimes we don’t scratch the surface of it, of what it’s like to be connected to people as you go through life with deeper connections.
I thought maybe this is a time of life that I feel that way. I want to connect more deeply to people. I find that unfortunately, social media, text messaging and all of these things that give us the illusion that we’re more connected, they’re very shallow connections. I’m not saying that they don’t have their purpose, but I do think that we are fooled into thinking that we’re more connected. I do feel that all this search for balance is misguided. We think we’re looking for balance, but I believe we’re searching for more meaning. It’s all these distractions and disconnections that are connecting us from the meaning. That’s why we feel less balanced. My theory is that when we’re more connected, we’ll feel more balanced.
There are so many levels of becoming more deeply connected to people. Click To Tweet
I think that we are starting to crave and realize that we’re missing those deep connections.
Is there anything that you would like to share with our audience?
I would love to invite all of your audience to the summit. They’ll find it very valuable. Thank you for doing the interview as well. It’s a very powerful one. Give us some feedback. I’d love to hear it.
We talked about feedback on our show. That’s important in our lives. With that, I invite all of you to the summit. Susan, thank you for being here and sharing some of your thoughts around autopilot and how getting out of autopilot can help us to take back time. Because when we create more meaning in our lives, we’re going to take back time. As Susan said, when you come face to face with the person that could have been, when you focus on creating that meaning and using your time in the smartest way possible, you’re going to meet yourself. We’ll see you in the summit, January 20th with 21 amazing guests.
Thank you!
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About Susan Moore
Susan serves as a leadership development coach, weaving a unique blend of pragmatic business savvy with neuroscience and philosophy in a way that ignites leaders and their teams. As a certified integral coach, she focuses on optimizing communication, conflict resolution, and human performance.
She is the founder of FearlessLeading.com, an organization dedicated to the evolution of individuals for the sake of achieving sustainable change.
Susan is a relationship-focused leader with a background in self-discovery, self-development and personal expansion. She lives life with an emphatic zest, promoting connectedness to self and others.
Susan serves as an integral coach, weaving a unique blend of pragmatic business savvy with neuroscience and philosophy in a way that ignites leaders and their teams. Her approach envisions an inspiring future and unlocks the passion and potential within the individual through a blend of coaching, inter-relationship Focusing, individualized tools, and workshops. She focuses on optimizing communication, conflict resolution, and human performance. She believes in making the most of your natural personality.
“Susan’s insights and probing questions are dead-on”. She believes that people aren’t broken; they don’t need fixing. She listens on a secondary level and applies their learning to real situations to be self-correcting and self-generating. She understands and portrays that living authentically leads to a rich life.
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